Sketch Script - Intern books the train tickets

Minister:

Yes thank you Jiles, goodbye.


[HANGS UP PHONE]


James:

Jiles on good form?


Minister:

Jiles is never on good form.

Have you got the minutes from the briefing ahead of today?


James:

Yep, got ‘em here…


[LOOKS IN BAG}


Somewhere anyway.


Minister:


[LOOKS AROUND]


This is is very big for a local train.


[CHECKS TICKET]

[LOOKS PANICKED)


Grab your stuff. Quickly.


[STANDS UP]


James:

Why?


Minister:

Grab your handbag and move! Are we… are we already moving?


James:

We just left. Why?


Minister:

F**k!


James:

What? What’s wrong?


Minister:

{angrily} F**k it! Look at your ticket James.


James:

Okay.


Minister:

{angrily} What does it say?


James:

{confused} Ticket. Return. First Class.

Minister:

Where’s it going, James!

James:

{confused} Liverpool Stations.


Minister:

And where is it that we want to go today?


James:

Liverpool Street.


Minister:

Which is not a Liverpool Station, is it James? Because it’s in f**king London. Whereas what you have done - is put us on a train to Liverpool!


James:

{takes moment to realise} Okay, I see where I want wrong now.


Minister:

{To conductor} Excuse me, sorry. Where’s the first stop?


Conductor:

We’re a direct train to Liverpool Lime Street, sir.


Minister:

[Turns around with death stare]{angrily} Lime Street!


James:

That’s bad isn’t it?


Minister:

Get onto Simon tell him this…

Notebook!

“I (you - James) am a f**king idiot, because I (again you, James) booked a train to Liverpool, thinking that’s where Liverpool Street is. And Tom (me) is an even bigger idiot for not checking what train I (James) was putting him (Tom) on - despite knowing how f**ing moronic I (Simon) am. So, regretfully Tom will not be able to make it today.”


James:

Do you mind if I just use the last bit?


Minister:

...Yes I do mind. Especially as I now have to ring Jiles back and hear him choking on his own sense of self righteousness.

There’s many things I’d like to see him choking on, but that’s not one of them.


Sketch Script - Promises

Sketch Script: Why do we wear poppies, again?